Some of my difficulties over the past week or so have come from an internal shift and change in focus. This movement caused me to feel out of balance. Lack of internal balance is a dangerous condition for many; change can be a topple-er!
How does being out of balance show up? Distrust, depression, dis-ease, disassociation, despair. I am off my internal game and out of synch with life. I don’t trust how I feel or what I sense around me. My confusion turns to anger and the anger turns inward and I feel depressed. I am not at ease anywhere or with anything. There is no solution, no resolution, no peace. I am separate from everyone- my heart and mind wrapped in cotton wool; nothing gets in. I ultimately feel as if nothing will change– I will just have to learn to be like this always: this won’t change. I will have to learn to live with no connection to self, others or my spiritual links.
What is going on with an “internal shift”? Something has moved. It can be a change in life direction, focus, passion, desire or a softening of any of these. What seems to have happened is that my insides have changed. I cannot CHANGE them myself. It happens when I look way, stop trying, cease effort. Once I adapt to the new reality I don’t stay down and disconnected. I find I am on my way out. One day, again, I have become sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I let go and – there I am – moving again- toward ACCEPTANCE.
What does staying on my own mat have to do with anything? Sadly, I have discovered that I look onto other’s mats. I have found that it is when I look at other people, on their mat or in their lives, I begin to feel unmoored. I look, I yearn, I compare and I envy. I become out of balance with my own existence. Whether it is a pose, strength or flexibility on the mat or off, whether it is life achievement or “success” – one the comparisons start the dissatisfactions grown. And, for some reason, I am always on the short end in my mind; not graceful enough in my asana, not accomplished enough in my profession, not giving enough in my community and on and on and on.
Staying on my own mat, living MY LIFE personally completely and with love and compassion brings me to the present the right size of my own life and back in synch with my own true nature. Back in BaLaNcE.
Kyczy Hawk E-RYT200, RTY500 is the author of “Yoga and the Twelve Step Path”, a leader of Y12SR classes, and the creator of SOAR(tm) (Success Over Addiction and Relapse) a teacher certification training.
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