Comfortably Numb?

What a strange weekend! What a strange series of events. I believe I am coming to, now. I have been out of sorts, offline, out of touch, nervous but numb. I did one thing right; I contacted my sponsor. Just in case I lot my mind. But it turns out I turned off. There wasn’t a mind to lose. It started a few weeks ago.

A sister-mother of mine, the stepmom of my grown kids, has been struggling with addiction. That made us extra sisters under the skin. I know that disease. I know how it can make you a crap mom, a thief, a manipulator, a victim, and a pawn. While you (or I, as an active addict,) decimate your relationships, bring yourself to financial ruin, experience mental decay, and physical illness, those around you still love you, still miss you, still want to be with you. Just not that way. I remember what I had done to my family and I grieved for her. Her disease of addiction, however, did not lead her to recover as mine did. It led to her death. More devastating to those around her, but sad to me none-the-less.

Then I had the happy experience of my grandsons (17 and 12) visiting me, first one, (while sister-mother was dying) and then my other grandson came. I was holding back the pain of the death and focussing on the joy of spending time with the 17-year-old. Staying in the moment, meditating to stay clear, teaching my classes and apparently on the beam. But the undercurrent of sadness was being buried. So usual for me. I have empathy for others but my feelings tend to bubble for a moment and then dissipate. But I thought – they will come out later when he returned home. They did not.

Happy thing #2: my 11-year-old grandson visits. The day he arrives my husband goes into the hospital for mysterious internal bleeding. This is a Saturday. He isn’t sent home to await tests on Monday; he is admitted to the hospital. I am calm. “Everything is already alright.” I avoid MED MD and Dr. Google. They will only serve to ignite my nerves without helping me FEEL or KNOW. I am happy to see and be with my Grandson, and I am also pulled to the hospital to see my husband and talk to someone who might be able to tell me something! And I take care of the logistics of canceling meetings, classes, and appointments so I can be present for whatever comes up. And I try to keep my grandson appropriately entertained so he can have a good visit that isn’t ALL in the hospital. I contacted my sponsor, just in case. I really didn’t feel.

I slept, I fed us, I drove us around, I shopped, I made decisions and I felt like I was in wool. I wanted to connect, to inhabit myself, but I felt nothing. I was a big void. This covers joy and sorrow, pleasure and fear. No feelings are no feelings. Except for my husband and his responses to the diagnosis (not life-threatening, but life-altering), I was able to feel my grandson’s anticipation for adventures we planned and his joy at running through fountains, and trying new things. But for myself, my feelings – I felt disengaged.

Then hubby dislocated his finger and he let me pull it to reset it. Nothing. Grandson is not that pleased with me right now. Nothing. One thing I have to say is that this is an improvement over constant anxiety and fear, but I am still concerned. Somehow I am able to feel for my sponsees, my students, my clients, my family. I am authentically able to feel compassion for my friend in pain or anguish. I, however just feel numb.

I wish my heart could break for me.

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