My writing muse is on sabbatical. She has left the building, gone on walkabout, however you wish to describe it. I have been writing her unanswered texts, left messages on phone and in Facebook; I even considered a skywritten message but the overcast skies have fortunately spared me that expense. She is simply gone.
My daily meditations have often been sidetracked with concern over this absence. While I do not sit in order to untweazle my conundrum, it does come up with the random thoughts that pass through my mind in my time of “not thinking”.
I sit quietly – find a thought, then ask myself “Why can’t I think like this when I am NOT meditating? Why does this occur to me when not-thought is here?” I sometimes have the discipline to let it go and continue, other times I pause and make a note. After meditation I consult the note and it is like the midnight scribbles to remind myself of a dream. Barely legible and fully incoherent. Like a daydream discovery that turns out to be a phantasm – the idea is vague or ridiculous. I sigh and go on with my day.
Other times I am dropping into meditation and fretting will occur. I will come back and back again to the thought that I will never write again. I am dry. I have said all I have to say. I am a fraud. And down and down the spiral of self deprecation I go- one falsehood after another until the chime sounds. Blast! I now can berate myself for not “meditating” properly AND for having lost my ability and inspiration to write.
I decided to try something new. Rather than forming images with words; I switched directions. I decided to try images with … images! I got good paper and watercolors and good old You Tube booted up. I am playing with watercolors. I have started small: really started small- sixth sheet sized paper and a beginners set of paints that I have had around forever. I began by following directions and then have started to freestyle. I go back and forth- viewing techniques, trying them and then playing with water, with color, letting my creative brain have some freedom. It has helped. My self criticism is alive and well. I avoid throwing my samples out until a few days have passed. Most of my experiments look better after 72 hours. I don’t know why. This can be true of my writing as well.
Meditation has become easier. By easier I mean that I don’t end up in spates of self criticism as often. I don’t get stuck in “good ideas”; I am able to let go and leave my mind alone. I think sometimes I just become clogged up; I need something new to roto rooter my subconscious; clearing the assumptions of consistent writing, the anxiety, the doubt. My joy becomes stuck in the constipation of expectations. I become mired in absolutes: you MUST WRITE if you are a writer! I am a writer, sometimes. I am also a seeker and I play and I can try many forms of expression.
Today I am going to continue to try new things to keep self expression open and to avoid the assumption that there is only One Way.
Kyczy Hawk RYT E-500 author of “Yoga and the Twelve Step Path” , “Life in Bite-Sized Morsels” and “From Burnout to Balance” . Her new book:”Yogic Tools for Recovery: A Guide for Working the Twelve Steps” is available now; the workbook comes out in May. She continues to submit articles to recovery and yoga oriented publications.
Kyczy has been teaching recovery focused yoga classes since 2008. Taking the foundation of a traditional yoga training she received from the Lotus Yoga Teacher Association (of the Himalayan Yoga Institute), she has combined the wisdom and inspiration from other teachers along the way creating S.O.A.R.™ a program to help prepare yoga teachers to bring the practice to people in recovery.
You can join Kyczy and a host of other people in recovery every Sunday morning at 8am PT (11 am ET) on In The Rooms for the Yoga Recovery meeting.
Kyczy is very proud of her family; husband, kids, and grandkids, all who amaze her in unique and wonderful ways. More about her work can be found at www.yogarecovery.com.