I have recently discovered the “more” there is for me to learn. I have done my steps. I have gone through them a few times on a variety of issues: relationships, sex, and money to name a few. I do my Tenth Step – not daily but frequently. I meditate and I study. I talk to others, and I seek help when I know I need it. Even so, there are still nooks and crannies in my character that need remediation. This is not an intellectual “knowing” – I found it out the hard way; through unskilled action.
It would have been OK, but I hurt someone. I knew it the moment it happened. I had an agenda, I was tired, I was bossy and that became mean. My heart dropped to my ankles and I went on as if nothing had happened. What a farce!
The person I had hurt contacted me. “We must have tea” she says. I fear the worst. I can’t believe how bad I feel. We arrange a time two days hence and it is an eternity. I want to call her and tell her how sorry I am. I want to do what I can to make it better. But I realize I must give her time to tell me how she feels. It isn’t about me, it is about her; her feelings, her response, her decision about what comes next.
I could barely sleep. But I was brave, I felt my feelings and vowed not to take her feelings from her by jumping in and trying to make it better. We met. We made nice in the line, I thought, getting our tea and heading to a table. We sat, adjusted ourselves to compensate for the angle of the sun, placed purses out-of-the-way and sighed. I looked at her, expecting the worst. I thought she might say something like “I don’t think we can still be friends after what you said to me” or “I can’t believe you said that, we will have to take some time apart” or possibly just venomous ranting. I had no idea what would come from her. I stayed silent.
After a brief re-adjustment to her seat she said “Are you OK? Is something going on with you?”
WHAT? I did not expect this. Compassion not derision. Care for me rather than admonishment for my unkind words. How could this be? What happened next was a cementing of our relationship. She told me she knew this was totally out of character, that I was not usually so unkind. We spoke a bit about what was going on “behind the scenes” in my life. She listened and she cared. I did apologize and when I asked what I could do to make it up to her she replied “take care of yourself”.
This was such a gift, one I could never have anticipated. I realized that I could never have received this gift from her if I had taken away her voice by jumping in first. It was very difficult sitting with my feelings, the pain of having hurt someone dear, the humility of having spoken in an unskilled way. It was a challenge and yet I did it. In doing so I received something wonderous. Forgiveness from a friend.
Kyczy Hawk RYT E-500
Author “Yoga and the Twelve Step Path” and “Life in Bite-Sized Morsels” and “From Burnout to Balance” among others. She is the founder of S.O.A.R.(™) Success Over Addiction and Relapse
You can join Kyczy and a host of other people in recovery every Sunday morning at 7am PT (10 am ET) on In The Rooms for the Yoga Recovery meeting.
Kyczy has been teaching recovery focused yoga classes since 2008. Taking the foundation of a traditional yoga training she received from the Lotus Yoga Teacher Association (of the Himalayan Yoga Institute), she has combined the wisdom and inspiration from other teachers along the way.
Publishing “Yoga and the Twelve Step Path” was the happy conclusion to years of study and research into the inter-relationship between the philosophy of yoga and the principles of 12 Step recovery. A leader of Y12SR (Yoga of 12 Step Recovery) classes for nearly five years and a devoted teacher to people in treatment centers and in jail- Kyczy created a teacher training program for others who wish to work in this field. Trauma sensitivity and the somatics of moving home into your body are some of the basics taught in S.O.A.R.(™) Success Over Addiction and Relapse. With deep bows she thanks her teachers; Sarla Walters, Durga Leela, Annalisa Cunningham and Nikki Myers.
More about her work can be found at www.yogarecovery.com.