This morning I was sitting in meditation – or I was until my mind stole away from me. In fact – it stole away WITH me. I had settled onto my place, without a thought of concern or dismay. I had done my rituals before settling down to let go. I was looking forward to this moment of quiet with no second thoughts of; “Will I be able to have a moment with a quiet mind?” “Will I be able to let go?” “What busy-ness do I have going on with my morning that I cannot afford these few minutes of mediation?” None of these usual resistances came to the fore. I lit my incense, I prepared my cushion, I got my shawl. I ensured that my toes would be warm and that my space was prepared. I sat.
The next thing I knew I was back from a long mental journey – whisked away on a story of unusual content and amazing detail. I was securing my home! I was locking the windows that are behind me in this room, I was turning bolts on the doors to my house and fretting about what was of value that could be stolen. What about the computer files that had not been recently backed up! I was not sure I could remember the name of my off line back up service and certainly not the passwords to retrieve the data. In fact I was convinced that all my work would be stolen away, unappreciated, and the hard drive wiped clean so my machine could be resold. I was shocked by this feeling of vulnerability as well as the idea of grasping and covetousness I was sensing about my goods. I was feeling so fearful and trying to think of a lo-jack equivalent that would prevent the computer from being useful to anyone else who might end up with it. Some sort of gizmo that would prevent start up in the “wrong” hands. How greedy and unkind; how confusing to my deep sense of “don’t fret, all will be well” that was accompanied with a twinge of pay back. “Go ahead and take my stuff – it will be useless to you if you do”.
Heart beating and heart hurting I came back to the present moment shocked and surprised. Breathe in, breathe out. Again. Breathe in, breath out; again. Release and find the meditative state; breathing and letting go and a blink later – WHAM – my mind is in my truck now – designing a key chain clip that would prevent a car from functioning 3 minutes after it was stolen or hijacked. There would be some kind of a chip that would need to be connected (wi fi, of course) to something I had in my pocket so that the ignition would function. If this connection were interrupted the car would stop; however the car would run long enough that the thief would think s/he had gotten away and then the vehicle would cease to function, not able to start again until this connection with the “mother chip” were re-established. Of course the thief wouldn’t know about this clever anti theft device until it was too late and then they would be nabbed.
I snapped to, back on the cushion – the timer had gone off and I was in distress. What was going on? I was afraid of loosing my current work. I didn’t know that. I was unaware of any feelings of scarcity or lack; any sense that what I am doing could “go away”. And yet – I was mentally locking doors and windows to keep my “self” safe. I am not a vehicle person. I love having transportation but I am not all about my truck. Any vehicle will do – so maybe rather than being possessive about my truck, it is the option and the freedom and the mobility that the vehicle symbolizes. Who knows. I was trying to find a way to keep myself from being ripped off AND, again, of having what was stolen be useless to the other.
What does this mean? I am still working it out. I need to take care of myself and give myself a sense of security. What is there in my world that is on shaky ground, that I feel could be taken away? It won’t be the obvious; that I know. So, for now, I am being kind, and coming back to the mat – where evidently the unconscious fears can be released. I also have to look at that feeling of retribution; spitting on someone else’s food so it won’t be palatable to them . I hope my mind is more generous than I am; allowing me to find these peregrinations useful and not making the lesson useless to me. Thank goodness it is the PRACTICE of meditation. I will keep coming back to the cushion and to my program.
Kyczy Hawk E-RYT200 is the author of “Yoga and the Twelve Step Path” and the creator of SOAR(tm) (Success Over Addiction and Relapse) a teacher certification training she holds with her good friend Kent Bond E-RYT500. Find out more about her and the training at www.yogarecovery.com